Cigarettes and Alcohol- Oasis

now, roll with me.

imagine yourself in a cosy little kitchen, where high up on a shelf lives Mr Jack Daniel and his French buddy Barcadi.
twice a day they beckon you to them,

"come drink us for the world's greatest hangover!"

they even throw in a free metal container. you know, the type that alcoholics like to carry around in their bag because it's so convenient?

ah, that was a joke. :)

i realise that my unhealthy habits constitute a poorly-balanced lifestyle.
i admire those who watch their diet. i honestly do, because it takes a great deal of determination to achieve weight loss or even maintenance. yet i just can't. i've come to terms with the fact that i put on every single year, and so by the time i graduate from ngee ann i'll be very much a fleshy pug, with fat sagging all over me.

but why does anybody have to care?

so at the party, i was with dab's cousin when he saw the cross i was wearing on my neck.

"are you a Christian?"

"i'm a sort of a Christian."

"sort of? what do you mean by sort of?"

"it means i'm sort of a Christian."

i spent that night doing very un-Christian things.
that conversation has been stuck in my head ever since. i pondered and processed my thoughts. i wish i had an answer as to why i'm wearing a cross on my neck while i'm on a bartop.
and it dawned me how easy it was to give up beliefs.
it's even easier to push them to the dusty corners of your head in excuse for the situation.

i left church because i didn't want to be two-faced. i didn't want to pretend i was holy while i was kissing girls and living on thrills. i supposed i'm only wearing the cross because i still believe in God. i mean, strange as it sounds i still talk to Him every night. i'm grateful for this life even though shit happens.

and there's a thin line between believing and being philosophical.

some of the people i admire are those who hold fast to their faith- pastors, cell leaders, church leaders who have evangelised for years and years. but when i stepped back and took an in-depth look at so many lives being saved, more and more people begging for forgiveness at the altar, i found it all so fake all of a sudden.
perhaps it was just me. i remember my church leaders telling me that it is inevitable for us to sin everyday, but it's okay as long as you have a heart of repentance.

so i go out and sin and tell myself that i'm just human, i just need some forgiveness? and i repeat this everyday. the ultimate comes when you go for service and you tear and bawl and cry for the devil to go back to hell and raise your hands, close your eyes to sing songs of worship, like "i love you Lord" or "thank You for the cross, the mighty cross". then service ends and you resume your inevitable, unavoidable nature to continue pinning your sins on poor Jesus.

it's not so bad if you don't believe in God; it's terrible if you're a such a church go-er.
so i stopped going altogether. maybe i'll go back when i'm not simply singing hymns so that i'll rid myself of moral guilt.

for now, i'll just believe in all that i know.

I blogged @ 9:56 PM